Hi Anna, all good questions.
I’m open to any relationship that is based on a complete paradigm. Which means; if I date a woman who insists on ‘total equality’ then I expect us to date as total equals. Just as in fact homosexual couples do. Two people come together as adults and have consensual sex and intimacy, neither person (as a rule and certainly not based on arbitrary gender) is expected to pay for the privilege of being with the other.
If I date a woman who insists on being ‘courted’ and ‘treated like a lady’ I expect one who knows that being a lady means and that there are parts of our relationship that will not be ‘equal’.
I lean towards more traditional roles since it was how I was raised; I also take pleasure in ‘providing for’ and ‘protecting’ but when it is something I do by choice because it gives me pleasure to do for a specific woman. Yes, in NYC men are expected to simply embrace this role for every woman they meet or date. And I start to question; if the women I’m dating/courting are acting exactly like men do traditionally, that is having multiple partners simultaneously and having zero emotional or physical commitment, if their jobs and careers are as important as mine, if I am to have no expectations of them as ‘ladies’ (God forbid I hate potty mouth, or them showing up in sweatpants with no make-up,) without being considered sexist, then I question why I am the one ‘courting’? We’re just all employed adults choosing to be with one another right? However to me that just misses out on what is special about male-female dynamics.
One woman was very clear recently that my ultimate role is to provide and protect, to share the fruits of my years long labor with her (which she was decidedly not around for) yet it was somehow sexist that I would consider moving to another state and not consider her career was here. Because you see her career was her CHOICE and gave her PLEASURE, mine was the one that was meant to be the one that provided everything she needed from security through luxury. I can’t abide that kind of double-think.
Does every woman I go on a date with specifically list the things I should do and be and have? Not in so many words but without a doubt by actions.
I met a woman years back at a bar, we hit it off and she was all over me. She gave me her # and told me should call (which naturally lets us pretend I asked her out). I did and invited her to dinner which I was going to cook and serve on top of my then luxury 50 story building with views of the entire city. She declined and said ‘a woman wants to know you are spending money on her’. Now in addition to this being ludicrous in general, this woman had openly stated she did not want children or to be a ‘homemaker’. So please tell me what is left that would require me to ‘demonstrate’ my being able and willing to provide for her? She was a 39 year old adult human being no? And another human being whom she was emotionally and physically attracted to had offered to spend the better part of a day shopping and cooking and then serving her dinner in a beaitiful romantic setting. But that was simply not enough, because the ‘sign’ I liked her was a $250 dinner somewhere. These are the woman you see all alone in their 40s at bars complaining about women.
So you ask me if I’m ‘attracting’ these types of women? I rarely see any other types existing here, be it explicit or implicit. I think we’ve raised at least 2 or 3 generations of women who have learned that while they are ‘entitled’ to all the things men did for their mothers and grandmothers that they have zero obligations to those same men. They have no idea that this is a give and take paradigm, and believe it is on obligation upon men.
So once in awhile I will have dinner with a woman who knows how to act and how to thank me and how to smile at me and how to be a lady in all the 1000 different ways women who actually are successful with men do. And in turn it makes me want to do all the things a man does for a woman that brings both her and him joy. So I am very clear on what a woman and and should and does bring to a relationship when she is expecting ‘traditional’ make roles it is simply that the woman who do are few and far between.
The aforementioned woman who kept telling me I had to court her (even though SHE was pursuing ME) would never show up in make-up or dressed up, just sweatpants and sneakers. She asked me if that was ok I said anything you want to wear is fine it is you. What I didn’t say is if you are not making the effort to act ‘like a lady’ and to do me the respect of showing up as one, then why would I end up treating you as one? I’m sure some women will gnash their teeth reading this but understand what I am saying; you do NOT have to dress up or wear make-up to be a woman. But if you are expecting to be paid for and courted then you have bought into that exact expectation because what else is it that men are spending their hard earned money and time on otherwise? If you want an ‘equal’ and a ‘buddy’ where you show up in sweats and comfortable more power to you, then offer to pay for your and his drinks and maybe walk him home when the night is done. But back to this girl; my point with her from the start was not ‘act like a man an court ME if you want’. It was ‘if you are interested in me and making me want you then do things as a lady for ME that would make me want to court you and treat you like a lady’. Simply saying ‘start buying me things and taking me out to make me feel special’ was the EXACT wrong approach since the only woman I want t omake feel special is one who makes me feel special. And isnt’ THAT what it is all about?